Till The Jar Overflows . . .

I posted a while back about how fitting everything in is hard, and it's easier if we imagine our individual life as a jar and all of the things we need to fit in as different sized rocks -- with God being the biggest, which goes in first, and then progressively smaller as the importance dwindles.  You can read the full post HERE.

Lately, I'm realizing that even if you put everything in the jar in its proper order, you can still overfill it and simply create even more of a mess than when you started.  But let me start at the beginning.

Over the years, I have prided myself on being able to multi-task and get everything done in record time, and with high quality results.  I have always managed to do my chores, and my homework, and play with my sisters or go to class, and work, and participate fully in extra-curriculars, and visit with friends, and spend time with my family, and still have time for me and recuperation.  I always hated saying "no" to someone because I hated the knowledge that they needed me, and I was being selfish by saying "no" simply because I was a little too tired or just wanted some "me" time.

Since I started law school, however, things have changed . . . rather slowly at first, but I'm beginning to feel the full effects.  When I started law school, my father hoped I'd finally be challenged -- that it would be something where I'd really have to work my brain.  Well, he was wrong . . . at least the first year.  And now, even in my third year, the classes really aren't all that difficult, by and large, so long as I study.  My hardest obstacle as far as law school itself is concerned has been overcoming my frank distaste for the whole area of education.  (I have never desired the path of a lawyer, yet here I am.  That's a tale for another time . . . but it involves the work of the Holy Spirit, and here I am finishing my law degree and pursuing the dream of being a librarian once I graduate.)  But back to obstacles, the law school classes haven't been all that hard, especially the first year -- so it's been easy enough for me to balance a 15-17 credit load with a 20+ hour work week on top of two choirs, an intense editorial position on an extra curricular, friends, dating, family, school clubs, babysitting, teaching piano lessons, and . . . well, you get the picture.  Even now, looking at that list, I can see why my boss is a bit worried that I'm overextending myself.

Thus far, I've been fairly successful at balancing everything in my life, and I've never really had to say "no" to anyone.  Sure, I was taxed to the max last year (including a roller coaster dating relationship, but thankfully that's steadied out quite a bit now).  I blamed all my stress and emotional breakdowns on the continual highs and lows of dating (since it was a completely new experience for me), but looking back, I begin to wonder if some of that stress came from the simple fact that I stretched myself in too many directions . . . like chocolate pudding spread across too much ham. (For that reference, watch THIS MOVIE.)  Sure, a lot of it was from the dating, but I can't blame all of my problems on that alone.  Especially since that particular area of my life is mellowing out, what with better communication and understanding.

Regardless, I was positive coming into this third year of law school that I could "do it all."  I was balancing 15 credits, an executive board position on Law Review, 20 hours working at the law library every week, a board position on the St. Thomas More Society, being schola mistress for two choirs, babysitting and teaching piano to three children every week, weekly Skype nights with my best friends far away, weekly girls' nights with my friends here, keeping in touch with family, and dating an awesome guy.  Sounds a bit tiring, I suppose.  But honestly, at the beginning of the semester, life seemed as "easy" as it always had been . . . sure, I was scheduled practically every minute of every day, but I could handle it.

Not so.  I had more emotional breakdowns this semester than I've had in my entire life.  (That may be a slight exaggeration, but it's fairly accurate.)  Most of them came unexpectedly, and I had no clue why I was crying . . . so I just sat there crying into Boyfriend's shoulder while he held me and waited patiently until I could figure out the jumbled mess in my brain of why I was so upset this time.  And without fail, the root of my stress and emotions was stretching myself too far and having too many commitments.  And so slowly, one by one, I began to let things go.  Well, not really . . . but I dropped one choir, and the other one has been waiting in the wings until life slows down a bit for everyone involved, including me.  Even now, I find it hard to believe I've made it this far without a complete breakdown.  And I know that's only because I've had such amazing people in my life who helped me through all those hard times.  You know who you are.  I love you!

All of this leads to my boss's comment the other day about how I need to take care of myself and not do too much.  At the time, I just brushed him off and said I'd take care of myself.  But then I sat down to think about everything I do, and I decided he's right.  I need to cut back . . . unfortunately, a majority of my commitments are year-long, so there's no backing out now.  But there are a few more things I can trim down so that I have time to breath.  Not that it's going to be easy.  Like I said before, I hate saying "no" to people.  Especially people who rely on me.  But I'm getting better at determining when and how I can best help people, and if I drive myself into the ground with an unceasing stream of "yes, I'll help you"'s, then I won't be able to help anybody.  And there has never been anything more relieving and wonderful than the beauty of saying "no" when I really needed to do so.  Sure, it still hurts a bit to have to "let people down," but I know it's for the best.

Here's to a new year and new resolutions.  To balancing life and focusing on what's really important.  To saying "no."  To giving thanks for the amazing people in my life.  To praising God for all of the blessings He continually bestows upon me.  To taking care of myself now and always so that I can be of service to those around me.

Filling Up the Jar

Several years ago, I attended a youth conference which greatly impacted my life.  One thing that I still remember quite clearly was a talk about fitting God into our busy lives.  The speaker used the following analogy: Take a very large jar.  This represents the sum total of your time.  If you fill it first with all the little things (represented by small pebbles and stones) like leisure time, school work, job, friends, family, and all those other one hundred and one things you simply have to get done, your jar becomes very full, very quickly.  And then when you try to "fit in" God and a spiritual life (represented by a large rock), you simply can't find the space/time.  If you put God in first, however, you still have plenty of room for all those other little pebbles to fit around the large rock.

This analogy has proven true time and again over the past several years up to the present day.  We tend to think that we haven't got time for that rosary, or a chaplet, or daily Mass.  There are so many other things on our plate that we can't afford even 10 minutes in prayer.

Let's take a step back and see with what we do fill our time.  Eating.  Relaxing.  Working.  Studying.  Chilling.  Sleeping.  Spending time with family and friends.  And at the end of the day, generally we still haven't crossed off even one third of the things on our checklists.  So how could we have time to add in one more thing, especially something so daunting as developing our spiritual life?

The answer is beautifully simple.  If you commit yourself to putting God first, everything else will fall into place.  I understand that everyone has different claims on their time, talent and treasure.  No one, however, has so much to do that they can't spend even a few minutes in prayer.

In my own experience, I have discovered that when I put God first, He rewards me one hundredfold.  At the present, I have the blessed opportunity to attend daily mass.  I know that there are many other things I could be doing, some of them highly productive, with the time I spend in mass.  I, however, wouldn't trade my spiritual time for anything else.  I'm studying the law, which is arguably one of the most difficult graduate programs to survive, let alone succeed in.  I know that times will be inevitably stressful, especially come exam week.  I also know, however, that if I continue to develop my spiritual life and relationship with God, I can do all things through Him Who strengthens me.  With His help, I can conquer my legal studies with excellence.  Without Him, nothing else has any true meaning.

So the next time you pass by a church, stop in for a few minutes just to say hello.  God likes hearing from us.  Make an earnest effort to go to mass more than once a week, or to say a daily chaplet or rosary.  Talk to God throughout your day.  If something is troubling you, ask Him for help.  If you're suffering, offer it up for the poor souls in Purgatory or those suffering around the world.  If you're happy about something, thank Him for the blessings.  It's really the little things that count.  Put the big rock of Faith and God into your life first, and everything else will fall right into place.

Blind Faith

When God basically hands you a notice signed and delivered saying “This is the next step,” it’s incredible.  Inevitably, however, that’s also the time when the devil will put doubts in the back of your mind.  Should things be falling into place this easily?  Should I really be abandoning all the possibilities surrounding me right now?  Am I really supposed to jump without knowing why?

Lately a few people have been questioning my decision to attend law school in the fall (as well as the particular school I chose.)  First off, I suppose I should illustrate the reasons behind my decision.

Don’t ever make a bet with God.  If you say you will NEVER do something, most likely, you’ll end up doing just that.  I would never have considered law school unless, maybe, if I was ditzy enough to believe real-life law school was anything like Legally Blonde.  But due to strong suggestion from several people, I grudgingly agreed to take the LSAT and go from there.  I “studied”, i.e. basically took 2 practice tests and looked through a prep-book, for three weeks before the exam.  Taking the actual test was amazing.  I wasn’t stressed even though everyone else around me was freaking out like, I don’t know, their entire life was riding on the test.  When I got my scores back, I was impressed.  I’d done pretty well, especially considering my preparation, or rather the lack thereof.  So the next step, since God had given me a good score, was to actually apply to school.  I put it off for a few months until I finally submitted 4 applications in January.  At that time, I said if God wanted me at law school, would He please give me a full ride so that I would know for sure.  Three weeks later, I heard back from my current destination school with a full scholarship offer.  In the moment that I read the exciting words, I knew deep down that this was where God was calling me next.  I still can’t explain it, and I probably never will be able to do so.

I am not excited about law school.  I have no clue why God wants me there.  I know He’s got a plan, but I don’t know anything but the immediate destination.  A detailed layout would be lovely, but I have to simply leap on faith.  I know that this is what’s next.  Maybe it’s a trial by fire (or heat, as the case may be.)  Maybe it’s a test of faith.  Maybe it’s a chance for me to develop my faith further.  Maybe it’s a 3 year commitment.  Maybe it’s only for 6 months.  God alone knows.  All I can do is pray for the strength to keep my faith in Him.

Anyways, like I mentioned before, when you’re following God’s plan, inevitably there will occur numerous “road blocks” that the Devil sends your way.  In my case, there are the people who remind me (with every good intention, of course) that I don’t “have” to go.  Or the people who question my choice of school because it’s insanely difficult to get a job of any sort after graduation with a diploma from there.  Or who question the choice of law school in general if I really want to study or pursue something else entirely.  Trying to explain to a very realistic and prudent person the reasons why I’m heading to school gets difficult because all I can say is that I know the Holy Spirit is guiding me there.  I know that’s enough, but it’s still hard.  

Furthermore, what so many people fail to realize is that I don’t care about having an amazing work career.  I know that my vocation is to the married life and motherhood whenever God decides that’s the next step.  To get from point A to point B, I’m perfectly content working as a secretary or a nanny.  Sure, I’d love to make a nice bundle of money each year, but it’s not necessary.  I know that having a good income is extremely helpful, especially if you’re living on your own.  But it’s not the most important thing in life.  Of course, for a guy it’s probably different.  They need to set up the good job so that they can support any future dependents.  

I am intending to research other graduate schools and take the next year to study for the GRE, take it as soon as possible, and apply to schools for a Masters program in English.  I would absolutely love to study more literature, but I can’t afford to just begin paying boat loads of money for classes.  So perhaps that’s another reason why I’m headed to law school.  I can live basically for free for the next year and delve deeper into my other school possibilities.

I try not to question God’s plan, but I can’t help it sometimes.  Especially when, just a few short weeks before I’m set to leave, I begin making friends and realizing just how amazing life could be if I stayed in my current area.  But maybe that’s the point.  Maybe I begin these friendships now so that if I return, I’ve already got my foot in the door so to speak.  If I’m being honest, I’m slightly terrified.  I’m moving 1400 miles from my family and 1100 miles from my closest friends to a place where I don’t know anybody to a part of the country with weather I absolutely dread.  There are so many specifics that have yet to be settled.  The only way I am still cheerful about this next step is that I still believe, without a doubt, that it’s where God is sending me.  I know that everything will work out, but knowledge does not always dispense with fear.  And maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.  Pushing forward into the unknown despite the fear in order to sincerely and truly place complete trust in God.  

Everyone talks about how much I’ll love it down there.  How much good I can do as a Catholic female lawyer in our modern society.  How well I will do in my studies.  How proud they are of me.  How much they believe in my impending achievements.  How impressed they are by how blessed my law school plans have been.  All I know is that I’m leaving everything I have ever known and beginning something entirely new.  And it scares me so much.  So, to anyone who actually finished reading this, please pray for me.  Knowing God’s plan is one thing.  Having the courage and strength to follow it blindly is something else entirely.  I know there is so much I have yet to learn about who I really am and what my life on earth is for.  I simply hope and pray that I can continue my trust in God and keep my eyes and heart open to whatever plans He sends my way.